Dear Karan Johar,
Sub: Agneepath Redux - Reviewed & Cremated
First things first. Why would you wanna fix something that ain't broke?? I mean..really!! You are running a production house that may have had good commercial success of late but is devoid of any class whatsoever. The only semblance of respect it commands is in the form of a gangster flick that I directed and your father produced some good twenty years back by the name of 'Agneepath'. You wanted to remake it and earn some quick bucks from your gullible overseas market (especially with the current exchange rate) under the garb of paying tribute to a 'classic'. Fine, its technically your property now and you did have your way. I anyways never paid any heed to the IPR mumbo-jumbo during my time, so I wont harangue you about copyrights. Art is all about copying and inspiring others to copy you. But for Ganpati Bappa's sake, you could have done it with some style - at least match it up with some clever writing, crisp editing, and contemporary story, the stuff my film is still revered for.
The original Agneepath,for all its script loopholes and bad music (I keep hearing that from pseudo film critics), is still considered a modern cult-classic. I'll tell you why - primarily for three reasons:
> First and foremost, Vijay Dinanath Chavan - the vendetta man who'd take bullet after bullet but come out stronger each time to kick some more butt. He doesn't sing, he doesn't dance and he doesn't run around trees. He just kicks ass, plain and simple. It was a character that would've done Pacino's Tony Montana proud.
> Second, Kader Khan's signature thunderbolt dialogues. Never before or since then have you felt the sarcastic twitch of "Bandook bhi dikhata hai aur peeche bhi hat ta hai" or the analogy driven threat of "Hawa tez chalta hai Dinkar Rao" or the food chain insight of "Jungle ka Kanoon" or the economic repercussions of "Rupees three taenty five". It was content marketing at its best.
> And finally, a collage of the background scores that I blatantly ripped from Giorgio Moroder's Scarface to Mory Kante's Yeke Yeke to Jean Michel-Jarre's Rendezvous-2. But boy, what a rip-off it turned out to be. If there's any work of plagiarism worth being sued for, this was it! In fact, if Agneepath were ever to be remade, it should have been made with same rigour, intensity, passion and sound. Or never made at all. It's as simple.
Your film, son, was deprived of all three. But I must say, in spite of that, your namesake Director started rather well...conveniently copying the scene from A Bronx Tale to get the young Vijay hooked to crime (I just love rip-offs!). You even got the age difference between the siblings right this time. But what made you go all bonkers after a decent start like that? Why was Hrithik trying to be both Vijay Chavan and Krishan Iyer? Where the hell did you come up with the idea of celebrating his sister's birthday every year?? And what's with this beauty parlour comedy track anyway? Also, I am curious, what made you keep Commissioner Gaitonde's name as Eknath! What's wrong with 'M.S. Gaitonde' (you didnt realise they were MY initials, did you?)? Is that why you're calling your film different? And most importantly, where the heck is Terylin (Sharad Saxena)? Son, you can't make gangster flicks without gathering an assembly of notorious sidekicks like Terylin, Shetty and Insp. Pathan in the picture. You still there...?? Good. Read on.
This was your chance to use Dharma Productions' financial muscle and buyout the rights for that Jean Michel-Jarre's soul stirring background track and use it right, left and center of the film, till it's done to death. But no. You chose to go ahead with a brother-sister goody-goody song on the beach and even brought Udit Narayan back from slumber to sing a drunkard song, reflecting Hrithik's sudden transition from a sad drunk man into happy jubilant family guy. Somewhere around here, my eyes lit up on seeing the poster of Tehelka (1992) in your film, which made me want to switch over and start seeing that instead.
And please for the love of Mary Matthew, don't use the word 'tribute' with this film. Your facade remake made me turn in my grave ten times before I found enough room to carry out the Kill Bill style 'fist-punching' escape from coffin. If you really wanted it to be a tribute, you needn't go farther than Master Manjunath (of Malgudi Days fame) to play Vijay Chavan. It's only fair that he played that role, now that he must be 36. You may have vindicated Agneepath commercially, but you did that by chopping out Mithun Da's role to please your multiplex audiences. And that is something I'll never forgive you for.
Next time your incompetent team of sophomores tries to remake my films, pick up Trimurti. I want to see how much worse can you get with that film. In fact, with a name like that I'll allow you three remake attempts to perfect it. But get one thing straight bugger... if you touch any of my Bachchan films, I am gonna take a FLAMETHROWER to this studio of yours. I'll show you the real Agneepath then.
Best,
Late Mukul S. Anand
PS: "Galat cheez banaya 'remake'...Aadmi sochta kuch hai, bolta kuch hai, banata kuch hai."
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