IPL 4 - The Raj Strikes Back (pt -2)

Continued from IPL4 - The Raj Strikes Back (pt-1)

IPL 4 is a landmark event in India’s sporting history – a cleansing exercise completely devoid of any sleaze and scum that had maligned and defamed India’s image like never before. Instead of grand opening ceremony of vulgar display of flesh and sleaze, Sports Ministry has ordered a mandatory screening of DevAnand's epic sports film, Awwal Number for all teams.
"Awwal Number is not just about Cricket, it’s about ethics and morality - a lesson for every talented upcoming cricketer on how not to let lure of money distract you from on-field slamboyance to off-field flamboyance" justifies Dev Anand, who was the special guest of honor on the historic occasion.

The movie commences, as the high and mighty of Indian politics take their places in the cheer girls deprived environment of Chinnaswamy stadium. With the lone exception of Dev Anand, no one is seen taking any particular interest in the movie. Andrew Symonds joins in late. Amazed at Dev Anand’s prolonged hamming, he turns to Dhoni, "Mate, who’s that schmuck??"
"He is Gregory Peck…" Dhoni comes out with the best possible reply.
"Isn’t he already dead?"
"No, this one never dies"

As the film approaches its closing reels, audience is projected to another chaotic loud climax where an unathletic Dev Anand, who is playing both the Police Commissioner of Mumbai as well as the chairman of selectors, foils a dangerous terrorist plot to bomb a cricket stadium that is hosting a live match.

After the movie, V.K. Malhotra, turns to the media persons, "See...thats what happens when you don't have the Police Commissioner multitasking as the chairman of Selectors – chaos and bloodshed. So, stop bickering about politicians taking over sports bodies and get on with your life." Vijay Kumar Malhotra, President of Archery Association of India (for 30 years) makes a very sensible point.
“The only way you will see Cricket accepted in Olympics, is by allowing me to continue.” Kalmadi joins in the chorus in the post screening, pre-match break.

Soon enough, we hear a loud cheer from the crowd as the two umpires along with the two captains step on the field for the all important toss. "It is Mumbai Indians vs. Jharkhand Jwaala guys, put on your seat-belts!", says the over-enthusiastic Doordarshan's sports anchor.

Mumbai bats first. Rules have been made clear to both captains. Mandal and Lewis system for equality and fairplay, designed by Arjun Singh has been put to use for the first time in any form of cricket. In order to make the SI (supremely impoverished) and SW (supremely weak) teams competent, rules have been 'bent'.
If a SI or SW bowler gets smacked for more than 20 runs in an over, the over will be considered finished and batsman will be fined 10,20 or 30% of his match fee, depending on the number of balls left undelivered.

Tendulkar, nevertheless, makes a mince meat of Jharkhand’s opening bowler (a wild card entry on Soren’s son’s peon’s neighbour’s liftman’s wife’s recommendation). Meanwhile, due to a sudden Alzheimer's attack, Shibu Soren jumps from his seat in an euphoric fashion and starts clapping and cheering for Mumbai instead of Jharkhand!! TV cameras catch the puzzled look of his supporters and party members before he’s taken away to hospital.

Action on field is halted as umpires are summoned by the referee on seeing the highly mismatched sides in the middle. Players are called off and innings is declared. Mumbai finishes with an impressive 237/0 in 11 overs. Target is revised to 37 under the Equality & Fair Play Act. Jharkhand still manages to lose by 20 runs.
Jacques Rogge, president IOC, who was watching the events unfold on TV, bans India from competing in Olympics for 20 years on the charges of “promoting mediocrity in the name of equality”.

IPL 4 - The Raj Strikes Back (Pt - 1)

Disclaimer:The following post is a figment of my imagination. Probability of it ever happening is next to zero because if it does, India will lose another three generations worth of human capital. Nobody wants that. So read on and savor the consequences of 21st century Licence Raj in a light, sadistic, and self-deprecating humor.

"The Capitalists will sell us the rope with which we will hang them! " -Bolshevik leader Lenin

Well looks like Modi, the Capitalist has indeed sold the proverbial rope to the Commies and their pseudo cousins. The Left is cheering. Just when it seemed to have given up on its cherished but outdated ideals and looked all set to lose its long held bastion in Bengal, Leninism has come to their rescue with reinforced vigor. 2010 marks the revival of socialist India - an idea that could never stand the test of times has been given another lease of life. And it's looking divious this time. After accounting for the tragic landing of once high-flying Air India in 1953, the Nationalization wave has set its eyes on the pinnacle of sporting enterprise in India - the $4.13 billion Indian Premier League.
Trouble started when the black, the bad and the ugly, Lalit Modi was suspended over allegations of 'individual misdemeanours' complemented by irregular financial transactions. Everyone was hurt with all the malaise and black money surrounding the beloved league but none more so than Lalu Yadav, who at the floor of the house demanded its nationalization. Prakash Karat, watching the Parliamentary proceedings on T.V., punched a Politburo member sitting next to him in stomach and yelled, "Why can't you Politburo guys think of ingenious ideas like these? This would have brought back the lost laurels of Karl Marx!!". But Lalu knew that it had nothing to do with either Karl or Marx - it was about his breed of capitalism, the kind where you have the Wall Street i-banks being run by 3rd rate MBAs from IIPM! Now unlike Karat, Lalu knew the tenets of capitalism. He won't destroy it but tame it. After all, he's credited for delivering lectures at Harvard for nothing.

What Lalu orchestrated was indeed a political master stroke that powered his rise from being the paterfamilias of the hitherto unknown Bihar Cricket Association to the position of BCCI president. The idea, as reported, was to spread the franchise of IPL to the lesser privileged states – ones that don’t have Mallayas and Ambanis to put up a team for their millions of impoverished, downtrodden, and malnourished cricket fans. No prizes for guessing, Bihar and Jharkhand stepped in as new entrants in place of Kochi and Pune. Kochi & Pune are, at the time of writing, still blacklisted on the charges of unethical practices. Their faiths will be decided by a special team of Ministers involving Revenue, Power, I & B and of course, Sports. Laluji was, meanwhile, blessed with a healthy granddaughter during the course of his taking over as BCCI chief-cum-IPL commissioner. She has been reportedly named IPLiya, after Lalu’s unforeseeable change in fortune.

Other state governments too jumped on the IPL bandwagon in the name of ridding the game of corporate mumbo-jumbo. While R.R. Patil called for the ouster of Ambani hegemony from Mumbai Indians, Sena moved a bill for Maharashtrian quota for home players in the Legislative Assembly, making way for Ajit Agarkar to prolong his career as a fast bowler and keep defying biological science for another few years.

Under scanner for IT irregularities and accusations of promoting looks over talent and show over substance, Kolkata Knight Riders has been taken over by the Prakash Karat led CPI (M) and renamed Karat Knight Republic. Cautious of the sentiments attached with the brand name, China had advised Karat to stick to the initials KKR for the time being and left the full form on veteran communist’s discretion. KKR also became the first sports team to lay down guidelines for financial and ethical prudence. According to the guidelines, as a government enterprise it can't make more money than it has invested in a financial year; management can't fire players; players can call a bandh if they feel they are under-paid, under-bowled, or under-partied; management has to provide for under performance allowance; Sourav Ganguly cannot resign from captaincy even if he wants to; and Greg Chappal shall remain barred from entering Bengal on humanitarian grounds.

Not far away from Kolkata, Mamta Banerjee has been taken aback by the sudden loss of political attention and hence, offered to introduce Railways and Naxals as 11th and 12th team (not necessarily in that order) in the league.

Down south, as things were boiling up just before the grand opening ceremony of IPL-4 scheduled at Bangalore’s Chinnaswamy stadium, ‘Indian Culture’ connoisseur and Sri Ram Sene chief, Pramod Muthalik has reportedly warned Deepika Padukone to keep a safe one arm distance from Mallya Jr. Reports are also emerging from cricketing circles that Robin Utthappa is under pressure from factions of Ram Sene to change his name to Rabinder, for it sounds more Indian!

In a sudden twist of fate, the pitiable spectacle of Lalu’s cricketer son, Tejaswi Yadav carrying towels and water on ground in the last edition, has cost the owners of Delhi team their majority stake and Sehwag his captaincy. Tejaswi now finds himself as the owner, captain, and icon of Delhi Daredevils – all rolled into one.

But Sehwag’s IPL woos do not just end here. Deprived of captaincy, Sehwag may just have to sit out for the whole edition. As the story goes, on losing captaincy Veeru (quite naturally) terminated his contract and applied for Vijay Mallya’s ‘king-of-good-times’ camp, not knowing that changing teams required, under new government rules, providing verification proof to IPL governing council. Veeru’s ID proof got rejected from municipal corporation office due to a gross mismatch in his current scalp hair and his pre-transplant baldness. The dasher had reportedly shaved his head again before reapplying and is currently waiting for final clearances.

Well, that was the summary of events in the run up to the historic fourth edition of this truly premier league. The stage is almost set for the iconic games to begin a new chapter in Indian sporting history. And what better way to do so than have last year’s runners up Mumbai Indians face debutants Jharkhand Jwalaa in the opening game, starting in a few hours from now. Jharkhand Jwalaa, owned by Shibu Soren’s henchmen, also doubles up as JMM’s fund raising unit in elections. Guruji is even expected to pay his boys a visit during the match, making his first public appearance in months amidst strong rumors of a possible Alzheimer’s attack wrecking his old memory.

But irrespective of whether Guruji makes his presence felt or not, good-old, just-holding-on-to-solvency, Prasar Bharti definitely has done so by bagging the exclusive telecast rights for the league. Vans of DD Sports have been doing the rounds of the stadium ever since morning as the famous awesome two-some of Joginder and Maninder Singh jump on to their favorite commentary seats once again for the pre-match coverage. I am already in the midst of deja vu, as they get their first guest tonight - ex-captain of women’s cricket team - to talk to us and.........&#@%$&√*कृषषषषषषषषषष......!!!

Looks like a transmission glitch... will get back to you as soon as the pictures resume :)


(To be concluded...)

Aap Kaa Tharroor …!!

Media have had a field day (or a week) and the TRPs show no signs of dropping. Just when one rising controversy got a pre-mature burial, you have a bigger, better and juicier scandal taking over the cynosural space. Also, contrary to the apprehensions shown by some experts, IPL seems to be in no danger of losing out on any viewership. If anything it only seems to get bigger. When two bombs, much like RGV’s Phoonk 1 and 2, go off without deterring, let alone scaring anyone, an off-field hullabaloo surely makes no difference to the viewer. So, one thing is settled – Indians don’t care whether Modi or anyone else for that matter runs the show, whether Sunanda Pushkar got a sweat equity or got sweaty and rickety - as long as the Tendulkars keep lending their classic drives and flicks to this ‘bowlers-sent-to-gallows’ game and the Dale Stynes keep the soul of fast bowling intact with occasional bursts that send the batsmen’s stumps cartwheeling, the show will go on. People won’t desert it that easily, definitely not for some alleged backstage rip-off.

Now coming to the other core issue of speculation, which I believe every Indian has a right to make considering the alleged impropriety in question. There are many theories floating around but I’ll stick to something I find most reasonable and workable in the current scenario. I’ll assume that Mr. Modi indeed knew the consequences of his actions when he sent the infamous tweet that out-tweeted Mr.Tweeter himself. Let’s face it, Lalit Modi is not new to controversies and neither is IPL. It wasn’t hard to fathom the high decibel drama that was to follow once he let the media in. Maybe Mr. Modi always was and will remain a daredevil of sorts. The man who used to take on ‘white men twice his size’ without fearing a sound beating, probably stayed true to his confident aggressive self when it came to exchanging political blows with Tharoor this time. But why did Modi choose Kochi to tweet about when there are handful of other franchises with undisclosed assets that may or may not have political affiliations?

Point no.1: It was all about making a statement - a statement of purpose. Whether one likes it or not, IPL remains Modi’s brainchild. He envisioned it, sawed it, nurtured it and obviously wants a complete control over it. He is the Judge, the Jury and the Attorney, all rolled into one – or at least he likes to think that way. Now one needs to understand that auctions are fairly important part of business models like the IPL. With every auction the business expands and you enroll new partners. Since your control dilutes with each new partner, you want to choose them very carefully, keeping your long term stake in mind. Modi kept Tharoor in the loop but always knew that their interests were not the same. A last minute ditch was on the cards. But on the day of reckoning Rendezvous Sports called right (possibly by fluke) and Modi got duped by his own cards. Kochi was not supposed to win the bid but it did. Modi had to put things back in perspective – which meant that Kochi had to be shown the door, leaving Ahmedabad to take its ‘rightful’ place. Moreover, he wanted to set a precedent for future bidders, an example for other unruly franchises, owners and stakeholders of IPL that this was an aberrant. That he is still the boss and he decides who gets what!! Modi may have over batted his powerplay here and hence liable for some political spanking. We will have to see what becomes of him once Tharoor is out of the picture.

Point no. 2: No matter how impressively Mr. Tharoor had put forward his case this time or what his real intentions may have been, the jury was out on him from day one. His office was indeed misused for personal gains. Though I have to say the guy did his best to clear his name, using both his unmatched cool demeanor and wizardry with words to a great effect – he was at the top of his game in his much watched interview with Barkha Dutt (now how often do you see someone outspeaking her?) But washing of dirty linen is never as effective in public as in a laundryroom; no matter what detergent you use some stains just refuse to leave in wide public glare. Ms. Pushkar, he says, is not his proxy but professional businessperson (no kiddin) who got her share of sweat equity in return for rendering her consulting services (I repeat ‘consulting services’) for marketing and brand management. That’s so bad an explanation, it is not even funny. No consultant, not even Mckinsey &Co, would deem itself fit to demand such a share. On being asked whether he ever thought that his closeness with the beautician with ‘brains’ could ever spell trouble for him, he replied, “That’s all the more reason for me not to get involved.”
Tharoor’s counterpoint seemed stronger than his defence but none of that matters now. People, urban elite, his fans, who have read his books and followed his weekend articles in TOI and later his tweets, would be most disappointed and let down, for they thought it was their right to expect professionalism from the professionals at least. For them, it’s the case of ‘the hunter becoming the hunted’. Someone who ironically got swamped by the same quicksand of power and corruption that he criticized for years in his capacity as a prolific writer and a sought-after UN diplomat.
That’s Indian politics for you – an absolute cesspool of corruption that corrupts you absolutely. I am not too sure what is to become of Baba Ramdev, if he doesn't stick to Kapaalbhati and instead persists with his grandiose plans to rob the Swiss bank of its ill-gotten Indian moolah!!

But beyond all that, it was sad to see the electronic media get so infatuated with two men at the top of power structure that it completely forgot to pay homage to the man who is not just one of the greatest business strategists to come out of India but also someone who cared, worked and researched at length for the betterment of those at the bottom of the pyramid – C.K.Prahalad.

Today, a Prahalad is forgotten in the wake of Holika called IPL. Sad.

IRDA vs. SEBI

If the heading sounded like two middle aged, over weight aunties in your neighbourhood, Mrs. Irda (south Indian cousin of Mrs Iyer) and Mrs Sebi (a foreign returned rechristened form of Mrs. Sabharwal) swearing at each other or two foster mothers fighting over a million dollar orphan, dont blame yourself. It could mean different things to different people. But for starters & other oblivious gentry let me explain the non delusional, simple, straight and in your face truth to you– it is a legal dispute between India’s two powerful regulatory bodies. Ok..so you have heard that one before. But this gets interesting from here. Mrs. Sebi is a sort of capital market watchdog, controlling mutual funds and investment schemes whereas Mrs. Irda has her jurisdiction over insurance portfolios or any product that includes the term 'insurance' in it, suo moto so it seems. The bone of contention here is an investment product called unit linked insurance plans (ULIPs). Mrs. Sebi points out that Ulips are just like any other MFs hiding behind the garb of insurance, hence she has the right to regulate it. Irda, on the other hand, has made her stand clear without much fuss. According to her, since Ulips are being sold as an insurance component, regulating that is her job and Sebi better get off her porch before she legally shoots her down. Sebi remains undeterred and stands her ground stating the Sebi Act, which brings any product with exposures to securities market under her purview. She has gone ahead and banned 14 insurers for not treading her path. The big fish among them is India’s life support, LIC. These were the facts. Now, some speculation. If one scratches the surface a little, one senses a hint of foul play. LIC has been building up funds even before the opening of insurance sector. It would be stupid to think that it wasn’t investing all that dough into securities and other fund raising schemes without the knowledge Sebi. But no one heard Sebi aunty’s bandwagon back then.
But again, if the current mess is genuine, it’s a timely reminder of India’s porous regulations that can be twisted and twirled as per one’s interests and intentions and therefore need some tightening. A more serious concern is that of insiders, who fear it is a deliberate attempt to create a public space for ‘super-regulator’ or a ‘father of all regulators’ which was lightly mentioned in the budget by the FinMin, overseeing such future disputes. Now I am not an out-and-out supporter of the laissez-faire model but having grown up watching the redundancy and the ineffectiveness of myriad government control rooms in the past, I would rather take orders straight from the two neighborhood aunties than add an extra Supervisor Uncle for clearance.
Leaving the hypothesis aside, if any current Ulip policyholder is reading this entry, I want you to follow the advice of experts on this: continue paying your premiums for the full term of the policy. If you leave it mid way, you could end up losing heavily. And for those who have no direct implications from this development, just sitback and savour the cat fight.

KAB TAK BACHCHAN...??!!

I had been thinking of trying out blogging for quite some time but the tough part was to decide exactly what I wanted to write on! Not sure what my blog would represent, I kept procrastinating till I found a suitable issue to dedicate my limited writing talents to, lest I come across an absolute urge to write about something. Well looks like I have finally found one. Just like our newspapers and news channels have nothing important and meaningful to show, I think it’s perfectly natural for me to start with something as useless, unimportant and immaterial piece of fluff as the recent Bachchan-Modi saga that was unfolding in a bizarre manner on almost every channel last night. Come to think of it, I wonder if we are a real mature civil society; mature enough to tell our ruling national party to shut up if it has nothing better to talk about.

Leaving the moral talk aside, one wonders if there was any political prudence at all on the part of the Congress in boiling up the whole issue. Reports about Bachchan planning to invest in Gujarat real-estate and even eyeing a future BJP seat for wife Jaya, after the Amar-Mulayam rift in SP, were doing the rounds. Surely, INC could have gone about connecting the dots in a more authoritative manner than a thoughtless kneejerk reaction, linking tourism to terrorism. But the Congress think-tank should have known better. You can castigate Bachchan, dishonor him, mock him, attack him, insult him, disparage him, belittle him but you can’t avoid him or disassociate from him. Not in a country where one generation has grown up and the other has grown old watching him release their combined anger on screen for decades; where anyone who kicks ass (even pretentiously) earns himself the epithet “Amitabh Bachchan”; where standup comedians make a career out of mimicking him; where no Holi is considered complete without the sound of Rang Barse; where events of far greater importance have been either preponed or postponed to avoid running into a famous TV quiz show at prime time; where Sholay still remains a synonym for long-running-films, even after DDLJ long surpassed it in statistics. No, it is just untenable. You can’t do a Rajesh Khanna to Bachchan. The guy is omnipresent – he’s there in our conscience, sub-conscience, sub-zero conscience, sub-prime conscience, sub-prime mortgage crisis conscience…you name it, he is there! And one still can’t have enough of him. So, dissociating from Bachchan doesn’t make political sense – you are dissociating yourself from a part of the common man’s psyche. You are not alienating him but yourself. It’s like allowing your son to watch cricket but there’s a catch. He has to turn the TV off whenever Tendulkar comes on screen!
I particularly feel sorry for the two party mouthpieces – Abhishek Singhvi and Manoj Tiwari – for making their party’s ‘disassociation’ with Bachchan look more like their own disassociation with brand Bachchan. The personal touch rendered will turn its ugly head and come back to haunt them soon. From now on, all Congressmen (particularly the two spokespersons) can’t be seen in a 10 meter radius of the following products – Dabur Hajmola and Chavanprash, Parker pens, Binani Cement (either dry, semi-mixed or used form in buildings), Western Union, Himani Fast Relief, Navratna, Nerolac, Tide, Emami Boroplus, Eveready and Cadbury’s Dairy Milk… have I missed any?? Not to mention Reid & Taylor power dressings and second-hand Maruti-Versa.
Though Abhishek Manu Singhvi (probably the eldest ‘Abhishek in India; Abhishek Bachchan comes a distant second, followed by a whole generation of twenty somethings named after Aby baby) gave himself some breather (and smartly so) when he categorically left his vested interest – Big B’s films (most notably Kaalia and Sooryavansham) – out of the purview of ‘The Disassociation Act’. Sure, one doesn’t want to be embarrassed on being seen at Big B’s film premiere either!
I also extend my sympathies to Maharashtra CM Ashok Chavan. He can cry foul over his dais sharing with Bachchan at the Bandra-Worli sea link inauguration but then he can’t expect to get away with a benefit of doubt every time. As ‘The Disassociation Act’ deepens the Bachchan-Gandhi divide in days to come, Chavan will have to come clean on his share of inadvertent link-ups with Mr. Bachchan. Sooner or later the Department of Public Relations (Maharashtra) will have to come out with an ingenious explanation as to why Amitabh Bachchan played the role of underworld don Vijay Dinanath Chavan in Agneepath. The fact that he won a National Award for that film only makes matters worse!!
That’s not all. Bachchan has another ‘Chavan’ up his sleeve in the form of Dabur Chavan-prash, which is again ‘inextricably intertwined’ with the Honorable Chief Minister’s surname. Clearly, Chavan won’t have been breathing so easy if Vilasrao Deshmukh’s son wasn’t doing films today; courtesy RGV. I guess, being a humble beneficiary of Ramu's misadventures, not once but twice now, Chavan may feel obligated to help the maverick director find a new financier for his next apocalyptic film, to be shot in full-darkness this time!!
Don’t get me wrong. I am not taking potshots at Congress for attacking a seemingly politically vulnerable Bachchan. I am not a diehard Bachchan fan either. Definitely, not after the 15th re-run of Ab Tak Bachchan film festival on SetMax! I just wrote this piece wondering why would a national party @ center undertake an exercise of such futility over such a non-issue?? Still beats me honestly. Second part of my query is why, if the issue was indeed taken up by Congress, did media react in the way they did? Eventually, an issue that was best suited to the likes of IndiaTV was leapt on by the supposedly 'smarter' channels which gave it all the attention and coverage that it least deserved and ended up proving once again that we can talk and argue endlessly over any issue, no matter how trivial it is, just to prove our point - when there is none. Sadly, the viewers, on the other hand, are just hooked on to it as long as the matter revolves around a celebrity - more so, if that celebrity is Mr. Bachchan.
Now he’s by far the greatest amalgamation of an actor and a star that India has seen or produced. But why can’t we just respect that and get over him…finally after all these years? Why do we want him to explicitly state his political ideology? Isn’t his wife making her ideology clear enough? Why can’t media behave a little more responsible and shun the whole façade rather than spend the primetime debating on it? And this Bollywood first-family fetish is not just restricted to news channels but spread across the board. The Filmfare Awards don’t finish till cameras haven’t followed his family all the way to his porch to get his reaction. If KBC first brought Bachchan to our homes, Big Boss makes sure that he stays put and never leaves. Every political party wants a piece of him, in whatever capacity possible. One day he is reciting lines from Kabhi Kabhie in an election rally of Mulayam Singh, the other day you find him promoting tourism in a state run by Congress’s favorite bete noire. In between, he is apologizing to Raj Thackeray, on his wife’s behalf, for preferring to speak in Hindi in Maharashtra. Going by his own candid admission, he never refuses anyone of any favour he is capable of doing; he never has all his life. He says that he has never turned down a single film producer who has ever approached him and that he has tried to do as many films as humanly possible. You may or may not believe him, but when you see films like Gangaa Jamunaa Saraswathi and Lal Badshah in his otherwise decent filmography, you do concede that he's got a point. There’s no other justification for their presence than the fact that they probably arrived at him earlier than other more deserving projects. The point is if political parties mischievously use Bachchan’s ‘never-say-no’ dharma as a medium to communicate and as a tool to make headlines – we, the ever-in-awe couch potatoes, play a big part in shaping that trend. If we can just cut him short every time he turns up in any avatar other than an actor, we can together solve many ‘issues’ troubling Mr. Bachchan & family, and save this country enough time to take on some real problems.

If only, instead of watching AB TAK BACHCHAN, we could shout and ask, “KAB TAK BACHCHAN..??!!! #$! ¥~#@%©∑β &”